Today I am going to share a very personal experience on my spiritual journey. This is article is longer than most of my blog posts, and it’s not been an easy decision to share this. However, I do share it in the hope that doing so will help others in similar situations. Here goes!
One of my life “stories” has been about a woman who transitioned several years ago. We will call her Kathryn.
My personal experience of this woman over the twenty-plus years I was in relationship with her was difficult and often abusive. I didn’t part ways with her for many years and for many reasons, one of which was that I had given over my power long ago, and I was convinced I would be wrong and “bad” if I left the situation.
Since I was 15, I had allowed her to dominate my life, dictating “right” and “wrong” for me and my family. I had this idea that I owed her and her husband unquestioning loyalty and service. My mistaken notion and misplaced loyalty caused my husband and my children, and my sisters much grief over the years.
At first I loved Kathryn dearly, respecting her and trusting her as my own mother. In fact, I regarded her as my spiritual director and placed her on a very high pedestal. (Note: a director is very different from a mentor). She responded by assuming a position of spiritual authority and superiority. She blamed me and shamed me in so many ways.
I have come to realize that she was a perfect vibrational match for me at that time. I was afraid of personal responsibility and afraid of my own authority. I was looking for someone to be my guide. I gave her and her husband all my money and my allegiance. Slowly, over the years I worked for her I went from loving and respecting them, to hating them and wishing them ill. And still I didn’t leave the situation. Then, I began to hate myself, too.
12 years ago, her husband died, her life-work project failed, and went into bankruptcy, and she was diagnosed with cancer. As she became less mentally well, I finally freed myself of the situation. As soon as I did, I wondered why I didn’t leave sooner.
And I began to question everything I had spent 20 years doing. Not a fun place to be! This uncomfortable inner space of questioning led me to an entirely new way of living and being.
As I took responsibility for myself I came face to face with the need to forgive. Oh boy, easier said than done! Even when I wanted to, I found that I had a very strong story attached to my 20 years of Kathryn. I tried forgiving. I did many times really feel emotionally forgiving, but the hatred always came back.
I wrote letters, and burned them, I screamed my anger into pillows, I talked to my spiritual coach trying to get healing, I gave my hate to my angels to resolve, I cut energetic cords, I wrote gratitude lists for the things I learned through my 20 year experience. And still, the rage and resentment along with the desire to hurt her would come back to haunt me.
During this time, I didn’t speak with her, although I still lived close by. Her cancer grew more serious till it went into her lungs, and then her brain. I often saw the ambulance and hospice workers in her driveway. Then one day, I met up with one of her caretakers by chance, in town, and she told me that Kathryn often called out my name in her confused state of mind, thinking I was her caretaker.
And something inside of me was glad of her illness and suffering. Then, I hated myself for that. I carried a load of guilt for my seeming inability to forgive, and my ongoing, deep resentment.
When she passed over, I was relieved. I was also irritated that some people spoke kindly of her. And all this time, I worked with myself, trying to understand what had happened between us and how to forgive her for the abuse and cruelty I felt so wronged by.
My intuitive counselor gave me a vital piece of information. She suggested to me that Kathryn and I had a soul contract before we were even born to experience each other this way, in this lifetime. She said that, on a soul level, perhaps I wanted to experience some “ugly” things without having to be the soul “doing” them, and that Kathryn volunteered to be this contrast for me.
This resonated very deeply for me. Intellectually, I totally bought it. It felt true. Unfortunately, I was unable to translate this into emotional freedom and lasting forgiveness.
I tried past life regression as a healing tool. One time I regressed, and found myself in a life time where I was the abuser of the soul known to me as Kathryn in this life time. It was amazing to see our roles reversed and I saw that I was definitely not a kind or loving person in that incarnation! This helped me for a while, but still, I would come back to my anger.
It has been over 10 years since I left the situation, and over 3 years since Kathryn’s passing. In this time, I have grown spiritually, cleared so many issues, beliefs and blocks. I have re-ignited my own intuitive side and taken responsibility for my own spiritual growth. I am re-united with my family.
I will never again be able to give my power over to another human being the way I did with her. I heard once that our very best teachers are the false prophets in our lives. How true! It was Kathryn and her husband (a self-proclaimed spiritual guru) that showed me so clearly what I didn’t want.
I continued to use the tools in my spiritual tool kit to deal with my haunting resentment and revenge energy.
Then, once again, Kathryn showed up in my life to be my teacher, this time from beyond the veil. Here is what happened. In my sleep, in a dream, I was back with her, and we were laughing about something. Pure, joyous laughter over something so funny, it made me snort, roar, and practically pee my pants. Then, since I was snorting and roaring, this made us laugh even more. My vibration from fun, laughing, and hilarity must have been through the roof. It woke me up. I was so light and having so much fun from my dream I was disappointed to wake.
Then, I realized it was Kathryn I was laughing with, in my dream…and I became aware her presence was still with me. It was light and free.
In the quiet of my mind, I felt her gently show me how she understands my hurt and my struggle to forgive. She offered no apology or any explanation, and I realized that I didn’t feel owed one.
I didn’t feel owed anything. A deep peace descended on my whole being. I made no explanation and required none of her. She made no excuse, just offered acknowledgement and we were both in a space of only what IS.
And it was enough. It IS enough. We were not laughing anymore, just quietly joyful to share the sacred space of BEING. There was nothing more and nothing less. All the rest is stories about what IS, what WAS, or fears and projections of what might BE.
I gently fell back to peaceful dreamless sleep. The next day, mid-morning, I remembered my experience the night before.Amazing… I felt no sting of resentment at the thought of Kathryn.
Then, I felt her presence near me again. Just BEING PRESENT to me.
I began to say “I offer Kathryn blessings of love and kindness”. It felt OK. not hypocritical, so I tried a blessing. “I bless Kathryn with pure love and light”. OK! So far so good. I said it several more times. Cool!!
I checked in with myself. I was not mad; I didn’t feel phony for saying it.
I felt authentic, and like I really meant it. OK, this is different! But then, I thought, I bet my revenge comes back with a vengeance!
I could feel her energy near me, but it was not creepy or oppressive like it had been in the past. This time, I received from her, again, just like in the night, the full knowing that she knew my side of our troubled past and it just IS.
Hmm, weird, I couldn’t quite process it, so I just continued with my blessings and went on about the day.
Several days passed with no thought of Kathryn. Then I got an entire day off, to study and meditate. Suddenly, Kathryn was present again.
Oh boy. I was OK, but you know, not looking for daily meet-ups.
My general idea was that if I could ever just forgive her wrongdoing and get my desire for revenge out of my system, I would be glad to never see or hear of her again.
“Hello, can I help you?” I ask. She immediately shows me an image of the two of us holding hands, walking down a path together.
“Um, OK,” I think to myself, “But we are over, and it’s finished between us. You are dead, and I am getting on with my life now.”
Kathryn is still showing me images. I see that we were incarnated and friendly during one of our lifetimes. “Oh, boy, this goes waaay back,” I am thinking.
I am still anxious for Kathryn’s visit to be over so that I can get back to my “work”. I try to kind of dismiss her in my mind. She responds by telling me that she is here, offering her services to be my guide from the other side, but only if I want that.
“What???” my whole mind screams out. “You’ve got to be kidding me?”
Apparently not kidding, since she is still with me. Now, she is smiling. Obviously she can read my thoughts.
I have done enough personal work on myself that I know when it’s time to get out of my head, and ground my energy.
I do a simple grounding process, and get fully into my body. This is a fail-safe for me, as my body never lies. It always gives me information, if I allow it.
So, I go inside and check in. My body feels fine. I get that this is my choice to have her for a guide, and any choice I make will be honored. I also get that my body has no repulsion and absolutely no judgment about having Kathryn-from- beyond- the- veil as a Spirit guide. I can’t get any emotional anger going whatsoever. Nada.
Meanwhile, back in my head again, this is going on…”Wow, unbelievable. Just when I think I am getting OK with 20 years of my life, now, this? First, 20 years of abuse, then 10 years trying to forgive, finally starting to get peace, and now I can’t just get rid of her? I have to have a spiritual journey with her?”
I hear her laughing quietly and gently. She can sense everything I am thinking, and there is no judgment. Just gentle laughter and quiet understanding.
Suddenly I realize, It’s FINE. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters… I surrender to what IS. I say YES, and begin to laugh myself. A huge weight falls off my shoulders. Kathryn and I are laughing out loud together now. In a moment she is gone. I am alone in my kitchen, catching my breath from all this laughter and hilarity. I feel very light and happy.
I have no idea what the next phase of our relationship will be. I hold no expectations. Perhaps I will be guided by her into more mysteries. It is fine, however it goes. I am left with a total sense of well-being and surrender. All is well.
